Friday, I began the process of letting go the fear of death through a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). EMDR is known for being the equivalent of 12 sessions of talk therapy. Towards the end of session, the leader asked us to imagine the doors in the back of the room were opening and asked us who we saw.
I saw Jesus and I started bursting into tears. It was a catharsis moment that I had been waiting for so long. The next 24 hours took their toll on me. You see this was the fear and shame I have been hanging on for so long. The process is now under way of burning these weeds in my life.
Saturday afternoon, there was a deep root of shame in me.. You see I have a very critical inner voice that questions nearly every move I make “Should I of made that purchase?” “Should I of said that?” “Did I do this the right way?”
Now I know on a rational level, I can’t continue to live a shame-based life. However, my emotional mind hasn’t caught up yet. I can quote from Romans 8:1 all day which states, “There is now no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ.” But it doesn’t stop the inner critic in my head. I look forward to removing that shame in the coming weeks and replacing that with grace.
You see shame says that love is conditional. It can be based on performance or achievement. Grace says, “Ok Marc, you had a tough 24 hours. It’s ok that you did and it makes perfect sense based on the facts of the day. I love you anyways. I love you when you are at your best and I love you when you are at your worst.”
Grace is ultimately how God sees each and everyone of his children. You could make the worst decisions for the rest of life and God would say, “I love you anyway my son/daughter.”.
Side note for my future wife, if we have two daughters, their names have already been picked out. Joy Kutylowski and Grace Kutylowski.
Prayer: Heavenly Father thank you for sending Your son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. Thank you that Your love is not conditional. You paid our sins debt in full. Thank you for replacing our shame with grace. We love you Lord in Jesus name. Amen.
Fundraising Update: Thank you so much for your financial support to support my 6 week stay in Memphis. Just in the first week, you helped to raise over $1,160! Thank you! You can continue to donate at the “Fundraiser” link at the top of the page.